Recently we were with a friend who said he wished their teaching couple had been a little less enthusiastic about the benefits of NFP. We asked “How do you mean?” He said they were finding NFP a struggle and the teaching couple had been all smiles about how great it was. Now he and his wife were left wondering if there was something wrong with them that they felt NFP was frustrating. They were committed to NFP, but their emotions were roller coasting. They didn’t want to turn each other on during the fertile time…trying to space right now…but he felt like she was too cold, couldn’t she show some disappointment?…and then when they were in the infertile time, she felt less interested.
I could share in his misery. I remember early on not knowing how to understand my wife. Of course I wanted to respect her, but it seemed like it didn’t matter to her that we couldn’t make love right now (of course she was exhausted from life, and sometimes nursing…but I was clueless to that.) Then when we could make love later in the cycle, it seemed a business trip or a visit to her family was scheduled. Aw shucks. Right when I thought the stars might be aligning, then we would chart mucus. Too bad. At one time I became nearly delusional and almost convinced myself she had mastered making mucus intentionally to drive me crazy. OK…time to get a grip on the emotions, buddy!
The thing that finally helped me was a reflection that I was not really thinking about the marriage act bringing us together and being a gift to her, as much as I was thinking about my passions. When I began to reflect that she was giving me all that she could, and she had legitimate concerns and obligations, I rationally could accept the situation. But how to go to bed with my dearest awesome wife without rolling on my side staring at the wall and thinking errrrr. By the way, these glowering thoughts about never making love again (I’ll show her!) are not restful!, they just make it worse!…(learned from experience!).
What to do? A few things helped us. First, we agreed to be careful with our thoughts and not be too romantic if it couldn’t go anywhere, this was more helpful for me than for her. For her, giving up some romance (not all!) was some sacrifice. She does like romance all the time. (Good!, thank you God for my wife!) Then, we finally dialogued about our frustrations. And learned how to dialogue more frequently. This took a long time to get out. Very difficult for me. I am not much of a talker and had a hard time sharing (verbally) anything intimate with her. I didn’t want to seem stupid or immature (or desperate). For me, silence was much safer… but not at all effective. (If our marriage is supposed to illumine Love, which, in our faith background is, in reality an eternal being, three persons in One, always in constant communion and dialogue… could my refusal to share with her my thoughts, desires, emotions, feelings be a withholding of love…me thinks so now.)
Lastly, we began to pray together before bed, and then I would pray for her silently when we couldn’t make love. As we lay down and I held her, listening to her quiet breathing, I would pray to God to bless her, and bless her, and bless her. I would keep talking to God asking him to give her restful sleep and love. I would ask, how can I love her better? How can I be a better father and husband? And I would ask for rest. Sometimes I would still roll to the wall to allow us to rest better, but with thoughts of kindness towards her, not anger or bitterness…and rest would come much more quickly and love became more sincere.